Life With Depression

Alright people. Today I want to talk about something that no one really talks about. Depression. Not the 'something bad happened so i'm sad' depression, but the Major Depressive Disorder kind of depression. Yup, I'm going there. Chances are, you know someone with depression since approximately 1 in 10 Americans have it. Maybe you have it, and you'll relate to this post.
WARNING: Uhm...this is kind of a long post so I'm pre-applauding you for reading the whole thing *clap clap clap!!!*

First, a few statistics (coming from healthline.com/everydayhealth.com)
-Women are 70% more likely to suffer from depression
-80% of people with symptoms aren't receiving treatment
-60-80% of depression cases can be effectively treated with therapy and/or anti-depressants

This is a topic that I know can be awkward, or sensitive. My husband doesn't love that I'm so open about it, but I've accepted that I have depression and if my talking about it can possibly help someone else, then I'll shout my story.
I was 'diagnosed' with depression at 16. I suspected something wasn't right before that (when I didn't even want to dance anymore), but didn't know what to do, or how to do it. My at the time boyfriend knew something wasn't right, and talked to my mom. She took me to my doctor, and I listed all the things I was feeling, the best I could. From there I was sent to a therapist. At the time they wanted to see how well that would work for me, and not go straight to medication. I know the thought was "It's just a teenager thing, she probably doesn't need medicine", and at the time that worked for me. I was VERY hesitant to go to my first day of therapy because I didn't know who the heck this guy was, and there was no way I was telling all my 'deepest darkest secrets' and feelings to someone I'd never even met. Turns out that for me, that was exactly what I needed at 16. Kevin listened, didn't judge, and helped me talk out my feelings. I'd gotten really good at hiding everything, from everyone, and it was such a relief to get it all out.
 I had a couple kind of OK years, and functioned pretty normally. Then I moved away from my home to attempt to start my 20's life, and things quickly went downhill. Work was alright, things with friends could have been better, and the love life was non-existent. I was in a 'go to work, come home and have dinner, go to sleep, repeat' cycle, with the occasional 'see family' thrown in there. After a couple months of that, I hit my rock bottom. My parents and grandparents decided I needed to be at home where they could make sure I was safe and taken care of.
Shortly after I moved home I started dating my now husband. Things were good with him, with my family, church, and work. Life. Was. Good. For about 2 1/2 years I was the happiest I can basically ever remember being. Just shy of 2 months before the wedding, I found out I needed surgery to remove some pre-cancerous cells on my lady parts. (You can read that story, plus more here) That surgery caused a huge surge of hormones, and reactions from my body that are yet to go back to normal. THEN came the stress of planning a wedding. After we got married Kirk started studying for a licencing exam that would allow him to progress in his work, and be very beneficial to our family. The only drawback was that I basically didn't see him for 9 months.
By that point of time, that ugly little depression shadow was already making a re-appearance. In my mind I knew what Kirk was doing was a really good thing. Emotionally I felt really neglected. I would tell him "I support you!" then turn around and say "I hate this test! I never see you!". Not only was it affecting my mind, but my body was starting to feel it. I would go to work, and that was about it. I would get a little house work done, but not much, which left Kirk to work, study, and then do all the house work on Sunday, which I hadn't done during the week. Of course at the time, I couldn't see that's what was happening.
At the same time we were trying to start a family. I know, bad idea. Also didn't see it that way back then. 2 years of not getting pregnant, too many doctors trips, thousands of dollars in co-pays, and a doctor that only wanted me to take blood tests and MRI's just wore me down. I cried more about that than anything else going on.
I also stopped working, and for almost 2 years I was home by myself all day, every day. Lets face it. That's not healthy for ANYONE. I dragged myself to church, and to family things, and that was the most I got out of my house. I had people I thought were friends completely bail on me. By the time you take the basic chemical depression, and add everything else, it was ugly.
I basically was a non-functioning wife/daughter/friend for 2 years. I did NOTHING. I was lucky to make it from the bed to the couch. I knew I had lists of stuff to do, and I just couldn't.
I heard everything from "You just need to make the choice for things to be different" to "Go to the gym and you'll be fine". Yes, going to the gym does help, but first you have to get to the gym, which involves so many steps, which to a normal person might seem like NBD but to someone with depression, those are gigantic tasks. Sorry if I sound like a Negative Nancy, but that's just how it is. My poor husband was left to do everything. Kirk would try to tell me what he needed, but all I heard was all the ways I was failing as a wife. Which I already knew, so I would lash out because I just felt criticized. I already knew I was the worst wife in the history of ever, so I didn't need to hear it from him. He has his own views on the whole situation, and I won't go into those, but let's just say it's really hard to understand something like this if you've never been through it yourself.

I found this comic, and laughed. Mostly cause I know exactly how that feels.

Yeah, you know.

It also feels a whole lot like this

You can see the rest over here.

I finally got on medicine at the end of last year and slowly but surely I feel like I'm becoming a normal person again. When something is dirty, instead of looking at it thinking 'I should really clean that' I can just do it. When I don't have to work, I actually do things, instead of laying on the couch all day. I know I've got a while to go, and a little more adjustments to go with the medication, but I'm really excited to be able to see the person I know I am coming out, and it feels so good to feel like I'm functioning like a normal person should.

Whew.... Are any of you aware that I talk waaaaay too much sometimes?

I know other people who have depression, but we all experience it differently. For me I feel numb or angry. I smile, but I wouldn't say I feel happiness (with the exception of Lacy). Someone I know feels like she's outside of her own body, moving through life. If you think there's a chance you might have depression symptoms, you can take preliminary tests online. Talk to your doctor. Don't be too scared or proud to ask for help.I can confidently say I wish I'd gone on medicine years ago.

I saw an article posted by a friend on Facebook, that listed things you could do to support someone who suffers from depression. Here are a few items listed.
-Fix them a healthy meal. If we're not getting out of bed, we aren't eating till we're starving. Then it's something easy, which isn't always the best. Eating disorders are frequently connected to depression.
-Hug them. They might be doing or saying things that make you not want to be around them, but chances are they just can't express how they're feeling, and it just comes out all wrong. Please do not pull away. They need hugs and touches to reassure them that you're there and you love them.
-Talk to them. Listen to them. Not only will it be good for them to talk about their feelings, it might help you understand what they're going through a little better.
-Frequently people with depression turn to self-medicating instead of going to a doctor. If you learn that your loved one is doing things like drinking, doing drugs, cutting, or other things out of nature for them, you may want to make a doctors appointment for them. They might not realize they need it, or it might just take more effort than they can give at the time.
-Encourage them to keep praying and reading their scriptures. Likely, those things will be difficult for them. A lot of feelings of worthlessness come with depression, and they need reminders that Heavenly Father loves and is there for them. (Not in the article, but still important.)
You can read the whole wonderful article over here.
ALSO you can read, or print to give your loved one Elder Hollands talk from General Conference Like a Broken Vessel. Ah-ma-zing. 

If you need help trying to understand how they might be feeling, search Depression Quotes on Pinterest. You'll find things like this, that describe it.

 

And of course, the best description I've every read of what it feels like is written by Allie over at hyperboleandahalf

Adventures in Depression

Depression Part Two

I think that's the longest and least happy post I've ever written, but it's time we get over the stigma of Mental Illness and just start helping people. We'd all be so much happier!